For Mom and Dad...
Though I will forever be proud to be an American and I love my country dearly, I have noticed something about the character of our nation. American culture wants everything, and we want everything right now, here, immediately in this moment. I am a victim to this mindset every day, we all are.
Does that affect the decisions we make on a regular basis, or the signs that we expect the God of the universe to send us so that we make the right life choices? The answer is unequivocally, yes. Absolutely. We are a demanding people. We are a people easily distracted by the next shiny opportunity, and a people even more easily disappointed by not getting what we want, when we want it.
And I am the essence of that imperfection.
In August of 2012 after I had spent almost two months home from my first trip to Uganda, I became infected with anxiety and depression. I was restless, irrational and unable to think critically or clearly about where my life was going and the important steps I needed to take to fulfill my calling and purpose on this earth. I thought seriously about dropping out of school, and even woke my parents up in the middle of the night to tell them that I had to move back to Uganda immediately (that was a fun conversation). My life was chaotic because I wouldn't allow my mind to shut up for five seconds so I could listen to what God was whispering to me in the quiet. I was angry at him, and I wanted him to write something clear and bright in the sky. I wanted answers, directions. And I wanted them now.
I didn't get any answers, because I refused to listen.
But God is ultimately victorious, and he can break the most stubborn and angry people. I know this because I was that person. I couldn't see the gifts he had placed in front of me. I didn't recognize how much my family loved me, or how unbelievably lucky I was to attend a university in one of the most beautiful regions in the country, surrounded by an even more beautiful community of people. Instead, I idolized being an "African Missionary" and came up with my own idea of what that was supposed to look like. I thought that dropping my entire life, my family and friends and picking up to move without a plan was what I had to do. You'd be surprised to know that most of the time, life just doesn't work out that way...
So after weeks of fighting with my family and causing a lot of pain, I decided to go back to school to take a little time to breathe. I started listening, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The Holy Spirit began pressing on my heart that East Africa was not my destiny. God shattered the image I had painted for my life, and tore my security away from me as I realized how my identity lay in a suffocating image of living a life that was ultimately based on guilt. I felt guilty for being American, for being born into this precious life.
Once I realized this and let my self-proclaimed identity die, life began to change. It wasn't about pouring myself into the lives of the beautiful people I met last summer or thinking that I had anything to offer them, because I don't. I have nothing to give from myself. But there's a guy who does, and his name is Jesus. And he changed my heart once I was willing to walk into the great unknown.
I began praying for surrender, that the Lord would take my heart and press his desires upon it. And boy, he did. Once I had come to an understanding that he was my destiny, things began to fall into place. One thing after another happened, and on a rainy day in October I found myself with an intense desire to go to Kenya, Uganda and South Sudan. I prayed that God would close these doors if they weren't the ones I was called to walk through; instead, he kept opening more. My family struggled for months, and for a long time this adventure was the cause for many fights, confusion and pain. It divided us, but the Holy Spirit kept whispering that he was about to, for lack of a better term, "do work."
One by one, my family began to get used to the idea of Emma and me throwing ourselves into the Father's arms, letting him take us where we were supposed to go. They began to like it, even, and wanted us to follow what we all finally knew to be desires from God. It was a completely radical change of heart, a change that can only be explained by the powerful God of the universe having a quiet persistence in the heart of his beloved children.
And now we're ready. Tickets are booked, we leave in 48 days. And it's scary, absolutely terrifying because we are still trying to comprehend the things that God has done for us, and all that he will ask us to do in his name.
So, Mom and Dad, I want you to know that this is for you. Thank you for your blessing, and know that it is the most beautiful experience to say to the heavenly Father, "here is our daughter, we trust you with her life."
"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still."
Exodus 14:14
Though I will forever be proud to be an American and I love my country dearly, I have noticed something about the character of our nation. American culture wants everything, and we want everything right now, here, immediately in this moment. I am a victim to this mindset every day, we all are.
Does that affect the decisions we make on a regular basis, or the signs that we expect the God of the universe to send us so that we make the right life choices? The answer is unequivocally, yes. Absolutely. We are a demanding people. We are a people easily distracted by the next shiny opportunity, and a people even more easily disappointed by not getting what we want, when we want it.
And I am the essence of that imperfection.
In August of 2012 after I had spent almost two months home from my first trip to Uganda, I became infected with anxiety and depression. I was restless, irrational and unable to think critically or clearly about where my life was going and the important steps I needed to take to fulfill my calling and purpose on this earth. I thought seriously about dropping out of school, and even woke my parents up in the middle of the night to tell them that I had to move back to Uganda immediately (that was a fun conversation). My life was chaotic because I wouldn't allow my mind to shut up for five seconds so I could listen to what God was whispering to me in the quiet. I was angry at him, and I wanted him to write something clear and bright in the sky. I wanted answers, directions. And I wanted them now.
I didn't get any answers, because I refused to listen.
But God is ultimately victorious, and he can break the most stubborn and angry people. I know this because I was that person. I couldn't see the gifts he had placed in front of me. I didn't recognize how much my family loved me, or how unbelievably lucky I was to attend a university in one of the most beautiful regions in the country, surrounded by an even more beautiful community of people. Instead, I idolized being an "African Missionary" and came up with my own idea of what that was supposed to look like. I thought that dropping my entire life, my family and friends and picking up to move without a plan was what I had to do. You'd be surprised to know that most of the time, life just doesn't work out that way...
So after weeks of fighting with my family and causing a lot of pain, I decided to go back to school to take a little time to breathe. I started listening, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The Holy Spirit began pressing on my heart that East Africa was not my destiny. God shattered the image I had painted for my life, and tore my security away from me as I realized how my identity lay in a suffocating image of living a life that was ultimately based on guilt. I felt guilty for being American, for being born into this precious life.
Once I realized this and let my self-proclaimed identity die, life began to change. It wasn't about pouring myself into the lives of the beautiful people I met last summer or thinking that I had anything to offer them, because I don't. I have nothing to give from myself. But there's a guy who does, and his name is Jesus. And he changed my heart once I was willing to walk into the great unknown.
I began praying for surrender, that the Lord would take my heart and press his desires upon it. And boy, he did. Once I had come to an understanding that he was my destiny, things began to fall into place. One thing after another happened, and on a rainy day in October I found myself with an intense desire to go to Kenya, Uganda and South Sudan. I prayed that God would close these doors if they weren't the ones I was called to walk through; instead, he kept opening more. My family struggled for months, and for a long time this adventure was the cause for many fights, confusion and pain. It divided us, but the Holy Spirit kept whispering that he was about to, for lack of a better term, "do work."
One by one, my family began to get used to the idea of Emma and me throwing ourselves into the Father's arms, letting him take us where we were supposed to go. They began to like it, even, and wanted us to follow what we all finally knew to be desires from God. It was a completely radical change of heart, a change that can only be explained by the powerful God of the universe having a quiet persistence in the heart of his beloved children.
And now we're ready. Tickets are booked, we leave in 48 days. And it's scary, absolutely terrifying because we are still trying to comprehend the things that God has done for us, and all that he will ask us to do in his name.
So, Mom and Dad, I want you to know that this is for you. Thank you for your blessing, and know that it is the most beautiful experience to say to the heavenly Father, "here is our daughter, we trust you with her life."
"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still."
Exodus 14:14
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